lost mother

you won’t
know the cold
until it grips you
from the inside
the freeze dried
madness of loss
here we all are
children of the
but always blindsided
by mortality
if God is with us
where is his comfort?
how does his plan
for tiny babies
without mommies
make any rational
why does faith leave
in these moments
when we need it
I pray, just the same
give my tears to
the wind
and beg for them to
bless the wings
of a new angel
but my heart breaks
and bleeds
for the lives she’s left

can she protect them
from her new home
in God’s kingdom?

My Ascent

Ascent by ntscha via DeviantArt.com
Ascent by ntscha via DeviantArt.com

“Can you see?”
“No. I am still lost.”
“Lost where, little girl?”
“In the depth of the ascent.”
“Ah, so you are rising. You found your fin…”
“I don’t know. I wonder if I am simply drowning in my destruction.”
“Don’t you see? You already have!”
“What do you mean?”
“You have drowned… in the depths of your feelings. But you just said it yourself. You are in the ascent. You shed your clumsy legs and formed a lovely tail to assist you in the rise.”
“That doesn’t make any sense.”
“The woman you were is gone, but you are now something new, something perhaps better. You are being born from the destruction that was.”
“Yes, child. Stronger yet softer. Quicker yet more vigilant. Accessible yet careful… Full of care… for yourself.”
“Oh… I do think I love myself.”
“It seems so. Look at me. Who do you see?”
“Noone. Everyone.”
“Yes! The world is your ocean, everyone it can either swim with you, drag you back down, or help guide you up for air.”
“Is this a revelation?”
“Do you still feel lost?”
“Then you still have work to do, little one. Keep swimming, keep searching.”
“I thought he had the answers, but there were only more questions. And they weighed me down.”
“I’ve told you, the answers are within you.”
“Will my faith return?”
“That is up to you. To your heart. And who you choose to anchor it to. ”
“You never mention them.”
“Should I? Is your family truly part of these questions?”
“No. They are the constant. There are no questions there.”
“Exactly, sweet girl. They are waiting, in a boat, on the surface.”
“Oh… They are the goal? They are my end?”
“There is no end. Life is nothing but a plethora of new beginnings. A journey filled with lessons and adventures. You know this… you learn this constantly. You may shed your tail tomorrow and grow wings! You may transform a dozen times before you reach the goal.”
“But they are the goal.”
“Am I the goal?”
“Finally! Yes… It is your journey, after all.”
“My journey… My ascent…”


Lost in Lethe by mkaphotography via DeviantArt.com

“I’m sure he’s the answer.”
“The answer to what?”
“My questions.”
“To the questions you didn’t understand.”
“I still don’t.”
“Then how can you be sure?”
“How can we be sure of anything?”
“That sounds like something he would say.”
…You infected me with this. You made me start all this. Why?”
“Because you want it, need it. Next, you’re going to ask why life isn’t fair.”
“No… but why is life so limited? Why are our mistakes so heavy? Why are our successes so fleeting?”
“You ask the best questions, dear child.”
“I thought he was the answer. To all of them.”
“You want him to be. But the answers are in the questions.”
“Why are you here again? Why do you haunt my dreams?”
“Always more questions. If you would just surrender–”
“I don’t know how. I can’t ‘surrender’. I want to quit.”
“I know you do, sweet child. That is why I’m here.”
“Just let go. Just leave me.”
“Not until you see what I see, what he sees, what everyone sees…”
“Don’t talk about my magic. It’s not real.”
“But it is. You believed for a moment, and look what you created?”
“A mess.”
No, little girl. Life. Joy. Strength. Renewal. Use that magic to free yourself as you have others.”
“I’m too afraid.”
“I thought you learned this lesson. Have hope. Find hope and cling to it. Hope destroys fear.”
“Hope that I’ll figure out how to let go of my dreams?”
“If you surrender, you won’t have to let go of your dreams.”
“He doesn’t want my surrender.”
“Have you asked him?”
“This is impossible.”
“Nothing is impossible.”
“Plenty is impossible.”
“The things you think are impossible, dear one, are the ones most worth fighting for.”
“What am I supposed to do?”
“I’ve told you repeatedly. It took a note from a stranger to make you listen… to make you see.”
“What if I’m not capable? What if my will is too strong?”
“It isn’t.”
“What if my desire is too strong?”
“It isn’t.”
“I wish you would tell me exactly what to do.”
I am. I have been, pretty girl. You are confusing yourself.”
“You confused me… I’m still confused… The forms you choose confuse me.”
“You choose the vessel. I am simply a part of you. …You are confused because you continue to argue, to struggle against what you want more than anything.”
“Why do I struggle against myself?”
“If you could answer that question and stop, you would find peace. In surrender.”
“I don’t know…”
“Nothing is impossible, sweet girl. The word itself says I’m Possible. Believe in yourself the way the world believes in you, and you will find all the answers to all the questions.

“They are right inside of you!”


don’t miss you at all by Antek Pyra via DeviantArt.com

“It hurts…”
“What hurts, dear one?”
“That’s not pain, that’s desire.”
“That’s not pain either, impatient girl.”
“Not helping…”
“Ah, yes. Your personal brand of pain. Your love is so strong.”
“It really hurts.”
“Stop doing that to yourself.”
“Why are you here again?”
“Because, you’re reading.”
“I’m learning, not quitting…”
“Yes, you are learning. You are also seeing.”
“You want me to stop?”
“Not at all… I still want you to surrender.”
“To Him?”
“Your love makes it about him.”
“I still don’t know how.”
“Read what you wrote, all those years ago. You gave yourself the keys.”
“It WAS prescient?!”
I told you that you were magical.
“But, I’m not strong enough.”
“You are. You know you are. But you are still afraid.”
“I’m afraid that I’m changing too much, that I can’t be what he needs.”
“You aren’t changing. You are recognizing.”
“Recognition hurts?”
“You make it hurt. You want it to hurt.”
“Because I know hurt…”
“Hurting yourself is the wrong kind of pain.”
“I know… I’d like to quit that.”
“Yes! Because you are strong. You recognize the difference between that hurt, and the pain you truly desire.”
“I want more than personal strength, though. I want to be valuable.”
“Valuable to whom?”
“Someone who sees me for who I am.”
You are, sweet girl. I recognize you.
“You want me to surrender, completely… I don’t know how.”
“Then keep reading. Keep seeing. Keep learning. Keep growing.”
“And if it hurts?”
“Show it to him. He will help you.”
“Why should he?”
“Because it’s his job.”
“Is it? I’m not sure…”
“Shouldn’t he decide that? Shouldn’t that be his to control?”
“Oh… That is surrendering…”


Surrender by Flubberwurm via DeviantArt.com
Surrender by Flubberwurm via DeviantArt.com

“What are you afraid of?”
“Be specific.”
“Losing myself. Proving my ineptness.”
“But you’re not inept!”
“I can’t cope. I have no patience.”
“That’s simply not true.”
“When have I ever been patient?”
“You’re a mother. You may lose it, sometimes, but it’s in your nature.”
“Ha! I know some people who would disagree.”
“People who make you feel like you can’t cope?”
“Perhaps, it’s time to start listening to your heart and not the minds of others.”
“That would mean surrendering to my heart…”
“What are you REALLY afraid of?”
“That is his word.”
“And my fear.”
“Use that patience, that hides in your heart, surrender to it and all will eventually become clear.”
“Patience that I don’t recognize in myself?”
“I’m supposed to rely on something I’m not sure is really there?”
“In myself? I’ve never been good at that.”
“That’s why I give you this challenge, dear child.”
“What if I fail? Like I did today?”
“You will try again. There is always a new day.”
“Why did you decide to talk to me tonight?”
“Because you needed it. You were about to quit.”
“Quit what?”
“I cannot explain. But you hold a lot of magic within you. And if you quit, the world would lose that.”
“Magic… I use that word a lot.”
“Because you feel it. It’s presence is strong. Keep loving. You feed it, with your love.”
“What if I’m not strong enough? What if this all too much? What if I’m too much?”
“Dear child, you could never be too much. Don’t question; have faith.”
“What if I need you again?”
“Surrender, dear one.”