Modify

Rainbow in the dark by Mel Douleur

Every thought strangled

Each hope shattered

Wishes cast into a sky

Too bitterly black

To return them

Where is my chanced

Tomorrow

My dream blurred by

The smudges of

Yesterday’s obligations

I know this is not

Forever

Now is just a piece of sand

In the glass of life

But allow me

My moment

Of disappoint

Because

I long for the winds

Of change

To toss the clutter

Aside

To

Modify this life

And give me

Something new

To dream

I will find the rainbow

Which is precisely

Why I need

To focus

On my

Dark

Sky

Advertisements

Enough

Stride by sivel120001 via DeviantArt.com
Stride by sivel120001 via DeviantArt.com

(Originally posted November 2014)

My fingers press against the cold glass causing the area just around them to fog from my warmth. I’d love to break this glass that tells me I’m not pretty enough, sexy enough, skinny enough… I’d love to break it and cut away this disgusting flesh that makes me feel like I’m not enough. I’d love to bleed away all these feelings of hatred and disgust. I’d like to feel the pain of that instead of the useless pain of self abhorrence.

I stare hard at that bitch who screams inside my head that I’m ugly and useless. I can’t stand her voice, it feels like a hammer breaking bones inside my skull. I can’t listen to her for another single minute.

I press harder on the glass and focus every ounce of my magic on those points of contact. I know I might break the mirror, but the sound of that might be welcome compared to the hurtful abuse going on inside my skull. I push harder and harder until I suddenly begin to feel my fingers permeating the membrane of this plane.

My reflection sees and laughs, taking on that awful voice. “Whatcha gonna do, baby doll? Do you think you can come through here and shut me up? God, you are dense.”

I wonder if I’m strong enough. Can I truly breech reality? Can I go through this glass? Is this possible?

Her abuse begins anew, from the other side of that force field, and I don’t even care if this is insane and I’ve had some sort of mental break. I am going to shut her up. I am going to make her stop or I’m going to kill her.

My arm slips in and she backs up, laughing harder until my grip finds her wrist and I pull, hard.

Her face slams into the glass, and I find this incredibly amusing, since my arm is literally reaching through this completely impermeable surface. I do it again twice, giggling at the shock in her expression. She tries to yank her hand from my grasp, but only succeeds in pulling me further in. I lift my other hand to brace myself from smacking my own face on the glass, but then those fingers begin to slip through the surface as well.

I yank her toward me again, and punch her hard in the face. She bounces back, but not out of my grip, and blood begins to gush from her nose. It was a surprisingly square hit, given the awkwardness of this fight, but I do it again before she recovers her wit and starts to fight me.

She captures both of my hands and yanks me into the glass, but it is not solid for me, and my upper body slips into the reflection as if it were another room.

At this point, I realize I am clearly crazy and decide to just pummel that wicked whore to death on the other side. As I lunge toward her, she lands a good punch to my throat, knocking the wind out of me, and I fall back into my own bathroom, wheezing and lifting my bloody hand to my throat. I can smell the acrid tinge and wonder for a moment if this might actually be real. Am I fighting the bitch in the mirror.

I stand and stare at her, blood pouring from her broken nose down her chin onto my favorite blouse. “You’re ruining my shirt.”

The shock in her eyes is disarming, as she stares at my chest, and when I look down, it is clear why. I am bleeding too, and I reach up to feel my own broken nose, even though she never landed a punch anywhere but my neck. Realization dawns on us both, as she too is holding her own throat and wheezing. If we fight each other long enough, I will rip apart.

I stand and wonder if I could do that. Kill myself to silence the hate. Cause myself the greatest pain in order to end all pain.

I lean down against the vanity on my elbows and revel in the silence of her contemplating my ability to end my own life in order to end her. My blood drips into the sink but then suddenly stops, and as I stand upright and look at my reflection again, I see that nothing has happened. It wasn’t real. But one tiny drop of blood remains, on the edge of the sink, daunting me.

A reminder? I can beat myself senseless over the reflection in the mirror. I can beat myself to death, if I’m not careful.

I look again at the girl in that glass. A sight that normally fills me with ‘not enoughs’. Because I will forever be not pretty enough or sexy enough or thin enough or smart enough or sweet enough or good enough… This time, the girl I see is just enough.

Enough to keep me from pummeling myself to death.

That girl in the reflection, that girl who plenty of people DO think is enough… Maybe it’s time she accepted that perfection is unattainable. And that today, at least today, I am enough.

Selective Focus

Deadly Siren Black & White by temariataje via DeviantArt.com
Deadly Siren Black & White by temariataje via DeviantArt.com

the big picture isn’t
always as important
as it seems
perception can be
narrowed
objection negotiated
because what’s in front
is what’s important
be present in the
present
hold the face of
destiny
and tell him
he is everything
feel the ferocity
of his response
because every man
needs to feel
that
we are the roles we play
he is my Captain
I am his mermaid
an ocean of truth
can’t change
my focus
because the future
is just us
alone in our ship
and even if
he is wrapped around
my finger
I am wrapped
around
his bow

Return

A Life in a Boat by onixa via DeviantArt.com

Not a boat, but a ship

Regal in your extravagance

Yet promising humble

Adventures

With each vowed sunrise

Glide through my waters

Where nothing

But pleasure

Hides beneath

Tame the storm that threatens

In the distance

And find a home

Within our eternal

Voyage

Render me soft as bathwater

As smooth as glass

When you plunge your way

To my depths

Take me

Dominate my seas

Float in bliss

Off my shores

Grant me only one thing

In exchange for my

Surrender

Return

To take me

Over

And

Over

As long as the sky remains

Above us

And your heart

Bound

To mine

Hold On

I’ll never let you go by pippimuckel via DeviantArt.com

the world will never
stop spinning
but the drug of your touch
the courage of your will
might anchor me
enough
keep my soul
from being pulled into
those dark clouds
let my toes find the sand
my fingers tangle the sheets
burn my breath away
with the fire of your kiss
you cannot create
happiness
but want me
love me
need me
enough
and you may calm the
storms that carry me
away
help me find order
within our perpetual chaos
show me
that normalcy
can be vibrant
hold me tight without clinging
know that I am
here
because of your playful
touches and your
brilliant mind
your gaze that elicits
effervescent joy
from somewhere inside
that I cannot name
your delicious kisses
and strong, warm arms
your level patience
and deep, willful
want
for only that which would
hold us all up
safe above the
cost to your own desires
I am yours
because you let me be
and tonight
hold onto me
I will show you
gratitude beyond dreams
for this reality
is better
than any
fantasy

Wake up

Hope by oo-rein-oo via DeviantArt.com

Be who you want

To be

Today

Don’t bring the

Doubt carried

Aimlessly

By yesterday

Know that was

Who you were

And today

Is who you are

But, oh, sweet child

You get to be

Whoever

You want

To be

You are infinite

Possibility

Only limited by

What your

Ageless soul

Can

Imagine

So go now

Begin today

Let the power of that

Beginning

Flow through

Every thought

And aim for brilliance

Because

There is nothing

You cannot accomplish

You are

Your own hearts

Desire

don’t look

Hiding by DREAMCA7CHER
Hiding by DREAMCA7CHER via DevinatArt.com

see me
even when I’m trying
not to be seen
silence is your shield
but life is my armor
how I wish to be
free
from this weight
from this crutch
it limits every step
pins me to this page
I don’t want you
to look
I don’t want to be
seen
but, oh, how I long for it
see me through the smoke
I’ve created
see me
even when I
can’t stand
to be seen
I’ve slipped behind
the silence
28 days
unnoticed
I’ve held too much
under my tongue
I don’t want
to be
the joke
but see me now
or leave me
to live
just as I am
unceremoniously
indifferent
hated
by no one
but
me