Smiles flicker
Like fireside sparks
Everyone sees
The glimmer
Between us
Made palpable
Through heartache
And tears
But now sweet
In its simplicity
Your love
Makes me sparkle
Amidst the dull
Ailments
Of life
So here I shine
For you
Stardust and fireflies
In my wake
And a full endless
Future
To light up
With my love
my words
shared so freely and easily
in black and white
but stick like thorns
in my throat
all that comes out is
you mean everything to me
best friend
soul mate
fabled monickers
don’t do justice
to the magic within your love
listen to my heart
not my words
I am not the girl
standing before kneeled
Princes
bargaining for my
attention
I am not built for those
negotiations
because as much as I
need
to be wanted
I further want
to be needed
cruel intentions
blinded my perception
of my actions
this is my
misstep
but the truth will always
prevail
and my truth
is my love
shelter me from the
storm
of my self-loathing
and I vow
I vow
I vow
to be your everything
in return
if you only give me
the time
to find
the
perfect
words
our time
in this tiny space
a ritual born
inside an era where
togetherness is
your necessity
and scrubbing away
my self hatred
is mine
someday
this will be our norm
saturated by your soap
serving you
as I’d always wanted
but was never brave
enough
to say
this will be our habit
and I will no longer
be surprised
by your desire
I will simply
bloom
beneath it
shimmering
iridescence
bathed in steam
there’s just enough
room
for two
for us
❤
Soaring above those demons
On wings of fairy lights
Held aloft by your breath
And will
Summoned to the sky
So that I might feed you
With laughter
And smiles
The bright, delicious
Warmth of your kiss
Denies the darkening
Stormclouds
Of yesterday
Burning each teardrop
Away
As the film
Requisitioned
By our vows
Records each new feeling
Alongside
The remembered ones
We could float here
In Neverland
Forever
But I’m not afraid
Of reality
Any
More
Once upon a time
I swallowed life in gulps
Trying to get drunk
On it’s swollen contradictions
Or maybe to poison myself
With the rigmarole
I was always hungry for more
But there was nothing
To satisfy that want
Then there was him
A part of it all
But walled off from me
Behind doors I couldn’t open
Now
He’s opened them all
Flying me to the moon
Filling the gaps
Forcing me to forget
Drunk on something new
Clinging to the edges
Praying it doesn’t crumble
Broken hearts
Thinking myself sorrowful
At every opportunity
But then
He kisses me
And reminds me
Of this here
This now
With him
In my head, always lurking
Every move, an invitation to feed
I’m never rid of them, I’m never free
And they can’t be chased
Away
I set in place my blocks and safeties
Push back when they settle in
Pull away from everyone
When they darken even the bright spots
So many places to hide
In the caverns
In my mind
The black is calm and familiar
And retreat is what I know
I cannot introduce you
To the demons
That live inside me
But please
Don’t let them have me
Don’t let them
Devour
My light
A wide path, safety and warmth
Carried me deep into myself
But the narrow road
Tempted the wild wanderer
Deep into the woods
Towards the sunset
Even down, into the earth
A girl with a dark heart
Doesn’t follow
The yellow brick road
She seeks the edges of oblivion
The adventure, the danger
All the stinging sweetness
Of pain and control
I never wanted the security
I needed the wild
So I snuck off the path
And fell into a hole
I couldn’t climb free
I couldn’t go back
Discovery gave me direction
Forced me out of hiding
Back to the fork
In my road
The decision
Which no one could ever make
For me
I brought lightning down
All around me
Boiling the very blood
Of everything on both paths
Burned down my woods
And my pretty house
The end of everything
Maybe even me
But you sat it the rubble
And showed me how we could
Rebuild
Pick up the pieces
And craft a whole new world
Bigger, tighter, brighter, darker
Give up the moon
Watch the sunrise
Find purpose
In the middle of chaos
Could this compare
To the blanket fort
In my dreams?
In my hiding hole?
In my soul?
The gold & diamonds
Resting silently on my hand
Makes the decision for me
As it whispers in your voice
Mine
So here I am, sorting through the rubble
Crafting a sculpture
From our past
Making something pretty
From all this ugliness
Finding my words again
Even as I know
They will hurt
As much as they help
Hiding behind
The thick black line, coated lashes
Masking puffy lids
Sheet of hair, brushed to a sheen
A sheepish smile, signature grin
And this coat of capability
That I use as an
Invisibility cloak
You never see me
Fighting my demons
Waging war for an unwanted life
You only see the smile
And you believe
That it’s the truth
You bask in my responsibility
While I bleed under the blade of your
Indifference
Leave me be, let me drain
You can’t see me dying
Anyway
I wondered if
you felt it too
that tidal moon
waning
leaving us both
bereft of the drink
that
stimulates and
sustains
you do your daily chores
keeping up the
pretense
the thirst
unabated
am I changing?
turning to vinegar
that honey wine
spoiled
by all of the
bitter pills
I force myself to swallow
each day
perhaps it is me
forever changing
my heart
and my head
never quite in sync
but always
always
always
seeking something
to settle upon
searching for something
to give me
purpose
to keep me from
slipping
deeper
into the blackened acid
of my death
I am a fixer
embroidered deep
upon my soul
but I cannot fix
what I cannot reach
have I spiraled too far?
can the sun save the moon?
with only minutes
to gaze at her
every night?
No.
the moon must save
herself
don’t let me pull you in
as I drown
in the angry dark
of forever
I slipped it in there to hide it from sticky fingers and perplexed glances. It was a greedy gesture, sure. But it’s not for them.
It’s mine.
It pokes through the fabric lining a few times, digging into the skin of my thigh. But it isn’t painful.
It’s a thrill.
An injection of femininity. A sharp reminder of the girl I leave behind so often. A symbol of the self I long to set free.
I reach into my pocket to feel it’s faceted petals and silvered leaves. I hold it in my hand, letting the buzz of touching something so fine, so sweet rush through to the deepest darkest places that need it so desperately.
She stands about twenty feet away, a gorgeous girl, fingering a strand of beads and wearing a self satisfied grin. The kind I would wear, if I’d only chosen a dress, if I’d only worn the kitten heels, if is only slipped that flower in my hair.
It’s me.
As I glide it from my pocket, watching the light catch the pastel ovals to make glittery lights sprinkle across my skin, I stop thinking.
I let it find its way into my hair, and the buzz turns into a high. Wings of sparkling daisies glinting in the sun of my imagination, lifting me and my mood, brightening the world all around.
“Oh, how pretty!”
It’s only a barette.
But sometimes, the little things are so much more.
MelDouleur.com 